One of the areas I need to work on is learning how to define what I believe positively without always contrasting it negatively with others. While the vis-à-vis relationship might ultimately be implicit in what I argue, it doesn't always have to be laid out explicitly. This is especially true with someone with my character flaws and moral failing. Too often when I attempt to contrast my belief against what I think is a wrong interpretation of something, I express it caustically or judgmentally, and unfortunately in a way that is too often hurtful towards the other. Some people are very gifted at intellectually addressing another theological interpretation with which they disagree in a way that serves to advance civil discourse. Perhaps someday I will develop that gift, but at the moment I do not possess it. At the moment my moral failings are too great.

I will probably always be a person who has strong opinions, a person who is passionate about what I believe, and I hope always to have the ability to express why I believe what I do. I think perhaps that is even one of my gifts that can be of service to the Church, to the Gospel. But too often I still lack an emotional maturity necessary for civil engagement of contentious issues. I continue to pray for the grace to change, to grow, to mature, but sometimes that change is slow in coming. Too often, like St. Paul writes, I find myself doing that evil that I do not wish to do. Too often, no matter the resolutions I make to be kinder, to be more compassionate, to be respectful of the person regardless of my disagreement, too often I find myself being the self-righteous, judgmental person that I long so badly not to be.

My judgmentalness is rather ironic. I have always been very good at self-reflection, which has resulted in a great awareness of my own sinfulness, my own failures, my own struggles. I believe one of my gifts is the ability to write about my own struggles in a way that not only helps me to understand them, but also perhaps helps others to work through and understand their own struggles in this life. Yet usually someone who is so self-aware of their own moral failings is not so judgmental of others. That self-awareness typically leads to greater compassion for other persons. But for some reason that hasn't been the case with me. Sure, there are certain struggles with which I identify and thus for which I tend to have great compassion. I will always identify with someone struggling with drugs or alcohol, or someone struggling with sexual sins, or someone struggling with their belief. But there seem to be too many areas where that self-awareness does not prevent me from judgment, and where all the caustic fury of my tongue or pen is unleashed, and someone ends up getting hurt because of me.

So perhaps this is the next stage of my growth in awareness. Perhaps now, finally, I will confront my sinfulness and truly allow the Lord in to heal me. Such is my prayer.

One of the areas I need to work on is learning how to define what I believe positively without always contrasting it negatively with others. While the vis-à-vis relationship might ultimately be implicit in what I argue, it doesn't always have to be laid out explicitly. This is especially true with someone with my character flaws and moral failing. Too often when I attempt to contrast my belief against what I think is a wrong interpretation of something, I express it caustically or judgmentally, and unfortunately in a way that is too often hurtful towards the other. Some people are very gifted at intellectually addressing another theological interpretation with which they disagree in a way that serves to advance civil discourse. Perhaps someday I will develop that gift, but at the moment I do not possess it. At the moment my moral failings are too great.

I will probably always be a person who has strong opinions, a person who is passionate about what I believe, and I hope always to have the ability to express why I believe what I do. I think perhaps that is even one of my gifts that can be of service to the Church, to the Gospel. But too often I still lack an emotional maturity necessary for civil engagement of contentious issues. I continue to pray for the grace to change, to grow, to mature, but sometimes that change is slow in coming. Too often, like St. Paul writes, I find myself doing that evil that I do not wish to do. Too often, no matter the resolutions I make to be kinder, to be more compassionate, to be respectful of the person regardless of my disagreement, too often I find myself being the self-righteous, judgmental person that I long so badly not to be.

My judgmentalness is rather ironic. I have always been very good at self-reflection, which has resulted in a great awareness of my own sinfulness, my own failures, my own struggles. I believe one of my gifts is the ability to write about my own struggles in a way that not only helps me to understand them, but also perhaps helps others to work through and understand their own struggles in this life. Yet usually someone who is so self-aware of their own moral failings is not so judgmental of others. That self-awareness typically leads to greater compassion for other persons. But for some reason that hasn't been the case with me. Sure, there are certain struggles with which I identify and thus for which I tend to have great compassion. I will always identify with someone struggling with drugs or alcohol, or someone struggling with sexual sins, or someone struggling with their belief. But there seem to be too many areas where that self-awareness does not prevent me from judgment, and where all the caustic fury of my tongue or pen is unleashed, and someone ends up getting hurt because of me.

So perhaps this is the next stage of my growth in awareness. Perhaps now, finally, I will confront my sinfulness and truly allow the Lord in to heal me. Such is my prayer.